1 00:00:01,701 --> 00:00:03,300 In the criminal justice system, 2 00:00:03,334 --> 00:00:05,501 there are two separate but equally important groups: 3 00:00:05,534 --> 00:00:07,167 the police and prosecutors 4 00:00:07,200 --> 00:00:08,834 who apprehend and try the offenders 5 00:00:08,868 --> 00:00:11,501 and the idiotic defendants, who take up the court's time 6 00:00:11,534 --> 00:00:13,234 with their self-serving blather. 7 00:00:13,267 --> 00:00:15,200 These are their stories. 8 00:00:17,968 --> 00:00:20,267 Now, Judge Keaton gave us special permission 9 00:00:20,300 --> 00:00:24,033 to observe his court today, so best behavior, okay? 10 00:00:24,067 --> 00:00:26,701 So, she hit the switch and sent a million volts 11 00:00:26,734 --> 00:00:28,567 to the leprechaun's pot of gold. 12 00:00:28,601 --> 00:00:30,367 There was smoke and cool sparks, 13 00:00:30,400 --> 00:00:32,667 and the little creep's head went ka-pow! 14 00:00:32,701 --> 00:00:33,834 But in Leprechaun 6, 15 00:00:33,868 --> 00:00:35,968 we find out that that was a lepreclone 16 00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:37,334 and the real leprechaun... 17 00:00:37,367 --> 00:00:39,901 Mr. Duckman, you've now acted out 18 00:00:39,934 --> 00:00:41,734 five Leprechaun movies, 19 00:00:41,767 --> 00:00:43,267 six Puppetmaster movies 20 00:00:43,300 --> 00:00:46,234 and nine Maniac Cop movies! 21 00:00:46,267 --> 00:00:48,334 Yeah, yeah, I know. There were ten Maniac Cop flicks, 22 00:00:48,367 --> 00:00:50,667 but real M-Cop fans don't count number eight, 23 00:00:50,701 --> 00:00:53,434 which totally violated the integrity of the series! 24 00:00:53,467 --> 00:00:55,334 What does that have to do 25 00:00:55,367 --> 00:00:58,200 with the land fraud charges against you? 26 00:00:58,234 --> 00:01:00,367 Bottom line? In a world of psycho zombies 27 00:01:00,400 --> 00:01:01,934 and pumpkinheads and killer puppets 28 00:01:01,968 --> 00:01:03,501 who drill your eyeballs with their little screw hats, 29 00:01:03,534 --> 00:01:05,501 am I really such a bad guy? 30 00:01:05,534 --> 00:01:06,834 Just 'cause a few of my customers 31 00:01:06,868 --> 00:01:09,667 got buyers' remorse over the houses I sold them? 32 00:01:09,701 --> 00:01:11,200 I still believe in a place 33 00:01:11,234 --> 00:01:13,400 where overcrowding is never a problem. 34 00:01:13,434 --> 00:01:15,834 I still believe in a town called Chernobyl 35 00:01:15,868 --> 00:01:19,701 and in a planned community called Chernobyl Vista Heights. 36 00:01:19,734 --> 00:01:21,567 I find you guil... 37 00:01:21,601 --> 00:01:23,467 Put that peeve on pause, M'lud. 38 00:01:23,501 --> 00:01:25,434 I have proof that I'm innocent. 39 00:01:25,467 --> 00:01:26,400 (whistles) 40 00:01:29,567 --> 00:01:31,434 Letters! Thousands of them-- 41 00:01:31,467 --> 00:01:35,067 all addressed to a guy who'd never commit fraud: Santa. 42 00:01:35,100 --> 00:01:37,467 Delivered by the United States Postal Service to me 43 00:01:37,501 --> 00:01:40,100 proving that I am Santa. 44 00:01:40,133 --> 00:01:42,267 (spectators murmuring) 45 00:01:42,300 --> 00:01:43,701 Order! 46 00:01:43,734 --> 00:01:46,868 Even if this were relevant, which it isn't, 47 00:01:46,901 --> 00:01:49,434 these aren't addressed to Santa, you idiot! 48 00:01:49,467 --> 00:01:51,100 They're addressed to Satan. 49 00:01:52,200 --> 00:01:53,901 Stupid post office. 50 00:01:53,934 --> 00:01:56,701 Your Eminence, please instruct the jury to disregard... 51 00:01:56,734 --> 00:02:00,634 For the 19th time, there is no jury. 52 00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:07,434 (chuckling) 53 00:02:07,467 --> 00:02:10,033 Wow, I knew I was drunk, but I must be drunk. 54 00:02:10,067 --> 00:02:11,033 Hoo-hoo! 55 00:02:11,067 --> 00:02:12,734 Regrettably, my liege, 56 00:02:12,767 --> 00:02:16,467 a jury of decent, hardworking, system-hating African Americans 57 00:02:16,501 --> 00:02:18,801 was essential to my defense strategy. 58 00:02:18,834 --> 00:02:21,467 So, I must take a mulligan and officially change my story. 59 00:02:21,501 --> 00:02:23,467 I now claim I was rendered incompetent 60 00:02:23,501 --> 00:02:26,501 by a known medical condition: NHL fever. 61 00:02:26,534 --> 00:02:27,601 (yelps) 62 00:02:27,634 --> 00:02:29,734 If this state's three strikes law 63 00:02:29,767 --> 00:02:32,767 hadn't crammed our prisons full of shoplifters, 64 00:02:32,801 --> 00:02:35,767 I'd still be able to send murderers and felons 65 00:02:35,801 --> 00:02:37,167 and you to jail, 66 00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:38,901 but... I can't. 67 00:02:38,934 --> 00:02:41,400 Yes! I'm going to Disney World! 68 00:02:41,434 --> 00:02:44,601 * Neener, neener, neener, neener! * 69 00:02:44,634 --> 00:02:45,634 DUCKMAN: * You put your down, down 70 00:02:45,667 --> 00:02:47,367 * And thrust your pelvis, huh! 71 00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:48,334 * Thrust your pelvis, huh! 72 00:02:48,367 --> 00:02:49,467 * Thrust your pelvis... 73 00:02:49,501 --> 00:02:51,501 Freeze, you degenerate lout! 74 00:02:51,534 --> 00:02:52,501 Huh? 75 00:02:52,534 --> 00:02:54,901 You've shown galling contempt 76 00:02:54,934 --> 00:02:56,767 for this court, for me, 77 00:02:56,801 --> 00:02:59,334 but worst of all, for the law 78 00:02:59,367 --> 00:03:04,133 in front of some Malthus High honor students that I invited. 79 00:03:04,167 --> 00:03:06,300 What must they think of the law now? 80 00:03:06,334 --> 00:03:07,701 What lesson did they...? 81 00:03:07,734 --> 00:03:10,467 Judge, F.Y.I, Singled Out starts in 20 minutes, 82 00:03:10,501 --> 00:03:11,968 and I'm way across town. 83 00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:13,300 That's it! 84 00:03:13,334 --> 00:03:15,467 I'm making an example of you. 85 00:03:15,501 --> 00:03:19,400 I hereby sentence you to 5,000 hours 86 00:03:19,434 --> 00:03:22,100 of community service at Malthus High School 87 00:03:22,133 --> 00:03:23,434 starting today. 88 00:03:23,467 --> 00:03:24,767 We're adjourned. 89 00:03:24,801 --> 00:03:25,968 Bailiff... 90 00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:29,934 if he's not gone in 15 seconds, kill him! 91 00:03:29,968 --> 00:03:31,968 (nervous laugh) 92 00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:33,634 5,000 hours?! 93 00:03:33,667 --> 00:03:35,100 That's 45 minutes! 94 00:03:35,133 --> 00:03:37,334 Actually, it's about seven months. 95 00:03:37,367 --> 00:03:38,334 What?! 96 00:03:38,367 --> 00:03:39,667 Damn metric system. 97 00:03:39,701 --> 00:03:41,634 Please, I hope you kids understand 98 00:03:41,667 --> 00:03:43,334 that what that man did... ow! 99 00:03:43,367 --> 00:03:44,868 Someone call an ambulance. 100 00:03:44,901 --> 00:03:46,567 Wow, Malthus High. 101 00:03:46,601 --> 00:03:48,801 That school is located in a ghetto cesspool 102 00:03:48,834 --> 00:03:51,133 full of crime and poverty and despair. 103 00:03:51,167 --> 00:03:52,167 Oh, Malthus. 104 00:03:52,200 --> 00:03:54,133 That's half a block from my house. 105 00:03:54,167 --> 00:03:55,834 Yeah. The commute's a breeze. 106 00:03:55,868 --> 00:03:56,834 Sweet. 107 00:03:56,868 --> 00:03:58,167 (siren blaring) 108 00:03:58,200 --> 00:03:59,801 (brakes screeching) 109 00:04:02,434 --> 00:04:05,234 Good thing I know how to handle street kids 110 00:04:05,267 --> 00:04:08,400 with their corduroys and lip gloss and pudding. 111 00:04:08,434 --> 00:04:09,968 Duckman, it's possible your perceptions 112 00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:12,601 of high school may be a little off. 113 00:04:12,634 --> 00:04:13,801 Wrong, Coronary. 114 00:04:13,834 --> 00:04:16,000 I learned all about high school from movies-- 115 00:04:16,033 --> 00:04:18,901 To Mr. Tibbs, With Love and Les minds Dangereuses 116 00:04:18,934 --> 00:04:20,067 and The Blackboard Diaries. 117 00:04:20,100 --> 00:04:22,234 Movies have taught me how to handle a classroom. 118 00:04:22,267 --> 00:04:25,100 From Jeff Belushi to Goose Gossett Jr. to Tom Berenstain, 119 00:04:25,133 --> 00:04:27,100 movie guys know the best way to deal with these punks 120 00:04:27,133 --> 00:04:28,934 is to beat the crap out of them! 121 00:04:28,968 --> 00:04:30,934 Then when one of them molests the pretty lady teacher, 122 00:04:30,968 --> 00:04:32,267 that's the one you kill! 123 00:04:32,300 --> 00:04:33,234 Hmm... 124 00:04:52,968 --> 00:04:56,167 I forgot the name of the teacher that I'm subbing for. 125 00:04:56,200 --> 00:04:58,601 He got hit in the head at the courthouse. 126 00:04:58,634 --> 00:04:59,968 Salgado. Right, right. 127 00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:01,267 Thanks. Good-bye. 128 00:05:03,767 --> 00:05:05,734 (muffled): Hello. 129 00:05:05,767 --> 00:05:07,901 Uh... hi. 130 00:05:07,934 --> 00:05:09,400 (nervous chuckle) 131 00:05:09,434 --> 00:05:11,901 Uh, no air here. 132 00:05:11,934 --> 00:05:13,300 Hello? 133 00:05:14,334 --> 00:05:17,067 I... help. Hi. 134 00:05:17,100 --> 00:05:18,133 Name's Duckman. 135 00:05:18,167 --> 00:05:20,267 Checking in for my community service. 136 00:05:20,300 --> 00:05:21,267 Where do I go? 137 00:05:21,300 --> 00:05:22,267 Oh. Yes. 138 00:05:22,300 --> 00:05:23,267 Yes? 139 00:05:23,300 --> 00:05:24,434 Oh, yes, yes, yes. 140 00:05:24,467 --> 00:05:25,434 Yes, yes. Yes? 141 00:05:25,467 --> 00:05:26,434 Yes? 142 00:05:26,467 --> 00:05:28,100 Hollind paunda noo-rip. 143 00:05:28,133 --> 00:05:29,267 Yes. Hi. 144 00:05:29,300 --> 00:05:31,601 Where do I go?! 145 00:05:31,634 --> 00:05:33,434 Community service? 146 00:05:33,467 --> 00:05:35,434 I'm Duckman? 147 00:05:35,467 --> 00:05:38,767 I used to have rough sex with your mother? 148 00:05:38,801 --> 00:05:41,434 Truck drivers would pay to watch? 149 00:05:41,467 --> 00:05:42,434 Hi. 150 00:05:42,467 --> 00:05:43,901 Great. Unless Commander Mumbo 151 00:05:43,934 --> 00:05:45,834 from the planet Jumbo goes to Berlitz 152 00:05:45,868 --> 00:05:47,501 on his lunch break, I'm screwed. 153 00:05:47,534 --> 00:05:49,601 Stupid judge, sitting so high and mighty 154 00:05:49,634 --> 00:05:50,601 in his courtroom. 155 00:05:50,634 --> 00:05:51,968 Who's he to pass judge...? 156 00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:55,801 Ohhhhhhhhhhh! 157 00:05:55,834 --> 00:05:58,200 Courtinroom, yes! 158 00:05:58,234 --> 00:06:00,434 Salgado, ow! 159 00:06:00,467 --> 00:06:02,701 Salgado, ow! 160 00:06:02,734 --> 00:06:04,400 You substitute. 161 00:06:04,434 --> 00:06:05,567 Substitute. 162 00:06:05,601 --> 00:06:06,801 One-four-one. Hi. 163 00:06:06,834 --> 00:06:08,133 One-four-one. 164 00:06:08,167 --> 00:06:09,634 Yes. Room 141. 165 00:06:09,667 --> 00:06:11,033 Yes. Thank you. 166 00:06:11,067 --> 00:06:13,934 "Substitute." Belly of the beast, huh, judge? 167 00:06:13,968 --> 00:06:16,067 Probably thinks this sweltering cesspool of drugs, 168 00:06:16,100 --> 00:06:17,834 gang violence and irresponsible sex 169 00:06:17,868 --> 00:06:19,667 will be more than I can handle. 170 00:06:19,701 --> 00:06:22,400 Sounds kind of appealing, actually. 171 00:06:22,434 --> 00:06:25,400 Well, since our substitute is late today, 172 00:06:25,434 --> 00:06:28,367 maybe we should review the list of positively charged radicals 173 00:06:28,400 --> 00:06:30,067 in the hydrogen cycle. 174 00:06:30,100 --> 00:06:31,534 Ahh! 175 00:06:31,567 --> 00:06:32,567 Whoa! Are you all right? 176 00:06:32,601 --> 00:06:33,601 You got hit pretty hard. 177 00:06:33,634 --> 00:06:35,200 Back offa that, homey! 178 00:06:35,234 --> 00:06:37,167 If you on the pipe, maybe I give you the pipe. 179 00:06:38,968 --> 00:06:41,033 Anybody else want some? 180 00:06:41,067 --> 00:06:44,200 I just popped the freshness seal on a new can of buttkick, 181 00:06:44,234 --> 00:06:47,267 so all I need's an excuse, you fly? 182 00:06:47,300 --> 00:06:52,067 (karate yell) 183 00:06:52,100 --> 00:06:53,367 (groans) 184 00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:00,434 Mm... hmm. 185 00:07:03,267 --> 00:07:06,634 "Duckman"? Hey, you're that guy from court this morning. 186 00:07:06,667 --> 00:07:08,000 The one we told you about 187 00:07:08,033 --> 00:07:09,868 who played the judge like a vintage Steinway 188 00:07:09,901 --> 00:07:12,634 and talked his way out of some serious jail time. 189 00:07:12,667 --> 00:07:14,067 (twitching) 190 00:07:14,100 --> 00:07:15,400 Man, are you all right? 191 00:07:15,434 --> 00:07:17,100 I don't like being talked about. 192 00:07:17,133 --> 00:07:18,701 You're lucky I never hit a lady 193 00:07:18,734 --> 00:07:20,067 who makes my Noam Chomsky. 194 00:07:20,100 --> 00:07:22,300 Degrading sexist remark noted. 195 00:07:22,334 --> 00:07:24,133 Oh... yeah. 196 00:07:24,167 --> 00:07:26,901 Who's real now, huh, Dexter? 197 00:07:26,934 --> 00:07:29,534 This scene is real gone, baby. 198 00:07:29,567 --> 00:07:32,100 I am into it all, dig? 199 00:07:32,133 --> 00:07:35,100 Oh-ho-ho, very hep, very... hep. 200 00:07:35,133 --> 00:07:38,267 Do you need a shot of insulin or something? 201 00:07:38,300 --> 00:07:39,934 I don't do that crap. 202 00:07:39,968 --> 00:07:40,934 I'm clean. 203 00:07:40,968 --> 00:07:42,434 What are you into, hmm? 204 00:07:42,467 --> 00:07:44,434 Shiners? Boom-booms? Rippos? 205 00:07:44,467 --> 00:07:45,934 Calestogan canoe wax? 206 00:07:45,968 --> 00:07:47,267 Sinuvian swampweed? 207 00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:48,267 Ladder-batter? 208 00:07:48,300 --> 00:07:49,834 Budbugs? Spot-foxys? 209 00:07:49,868 --> 00:07:52,434 Or is booger sugar your lady? 210 00:07:52,467 --> 00:07:54,367 Look, we just want to study hard, 211 00:07:54,400 --> 00:07:56,400 get good grades and go to college. 212 00:07:56,434 --> 00:07:58,400 Ooh, easy, kitten. 213 00:07:58,434 --> 00:08:01,000 I don't know what all that is code for, 214 00:08:01,033 --> 00:08:04,367 but keep back, 'cause I am am what it am not, dig? 215 00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:05,367 'Cause I am... 216 00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:06,434 (agonized cry) 217 00:08:06,467 --> 00:08:08,501 Ooh! 218 00:08:08,534 --> 00:08:10,167 (crying) 219 00:08:10,200 --> 00:08:12,701 I got a feeling this guy ain't gonna be taking us 220 00:08:12,734 --> 00:08:14,133 through the hydrogen cycle. 221 00:08:17,968 --> 00:08:18,968 ...is lust in action 222 00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:23,000 and till action, lust is perjured. 223 00:08:23,033 --> 00:08:23,734 Duckman! 224 00:08:23,767 --> 00:08:24,734 For the last few days, 225 00:08:24,767 --> 00:08:26,067 I've been doing everything I can 226 00:08:26,100 --> 00:08:27,400 to try and get through to you kids, 227 00:08:27,434 --> 00:08:28,601 but you were too busy 228 00:08:28,634 --> 00:08:30,200 boosting your grade-point averages, 229 00:08:30,234 --> 00:08:31,767 researching your end-of-term projects, 230 00:08:31,801 --> 00:08:33,968 and volunteering for school outreach programs. 231 00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:37,334 Now, as the final insult, I find this. 232 00:08:38,567 --> 00:08:40,434 You kids disgust me! 233 00:08:40,467 --> 00:08:43,167 Look at you-- frittering away your formative years 234 00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:45,968 on good citizenship and improving your minds 235 00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:47,868 when you should be out stripping BMWs 236 00:08:47,901 --> 00:08:50,033 and learning the rudiments of credit card fraud. 237 00:08:50,067 --> 00:08:51,033 Eww! 238 00:08:51,067 --> 00:08:52,601 Biology... 239 00:08:52,634 --> 00:08:54,467 calculus... 240 00:08:54,501 --> 00:08:55,467 Calcu-losers! 241 00:08:55,501 --> 00:08:56,834 I submit that you kids 242 00:08:56,868 --> 00:08:58,667 don't know the first thing about the real world. 243 00:08:58,701 --> 00:08:59,667 Are you serious? 244 00:08:59,701 --> 00:09:00,868 We're all at the top 245 00:09:00,901 --> 00:09:02,367 of the state percentiles. 246 00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:04,801 Oh, yeah? Let's say I got five apples here. 247 00:09:04,834 --> 00:09:06,767 Maria asks me for 20% of my apples. 248 00:09:06,801 --> 00:09:08,601 How many apples do I have left? 249 00:09:08,634 --> 00:09:10,534 Oh, that's easy-- four apples. 250 00:09:10,567 --> 00:09:12,400 Wrong! The answer is five. 251 00:09:12,434 --> 00:09:14,367 No one gets 20% of my apples 252 00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:16,200 unless I see some sort of kickback. 253 00:09:16,234 --> 00:09:19,133 You wash my back, I wash yours-- which, incidentally, 254 00:09:19,167 --> 00:09:21,133 is a lesson I plan to cover with the girls next Tuesday. 255 00:09:21,167 --> 00:09:22,300 Please do the reading. 256 00:09:22,334 --> 00:09:25,000 Mr. Duckman, that is not how we do things here. 257 00:09:25,033 --> 00:09:27,601 Yeah. We're laying the foundation 258 00:09:27,634 --> 00:09:30,234 for some fast-track careers and big-time opportunities. 259 00:09:30,267 --> 00:09:31,801 Why should we listen to you? 260 00:09:31,834 --> 00:09:33,901 (chuckling): Careers... 261 00:09:33,934 --> 00:09:35,133 (snorts) Opportunities... 262 00:09:35,167 --> 00:09:36,667 Don't be ridiculous, girls. 263 00:09:36,701 --> 00:09:38,868 It's men who have all the real power in this world. 264 00:09:38,901 --> 00:09:40,667 You just sit there and look pretty. 265 00:09:40,701 --> 00:09:43,400 But Mr. Duckman, women are valuable 266 00:09:43,434 --> 00:09:45,434 and equal members of our society. 267 00:09:45,467 --> 00:09:47,901 Kevin, Kevin, Kevin. 268 00:09:47,934 --> 00:09:49,968 You're so whipped. 269 00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:51,467 You don't even realize that the other kids 270 00:09:51,501 --> 00:09:52,968 would be scared stiff if you'd only use 271 00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:55,133 your physical size to intimidate them. 272 00:09:55,167 --> 00:09:57,200 From now on, your new threatening bully name 273 00:09:57,234 --> 00:09:58,467 will be Skunk. 274 00:09:58,501 --> 00:10:01,267 He doesn't need some equivalency school dropout 275 00:10:01,300 --> 00:10:03,033 messing with his self-esteem. 276 00:10:03,067 --> 00:10:05,067 Ah,Luis! 277 00:10:05,100 --> 00:10:06,834 You're the ringleader. 278 00:10:06,868 --> 00:10:08,901 If I can reach you, the others just might follow. 279 00:10:08,934 --> 00:10:10,100 What'll it take, mi hermano? 280 00:10:10,133 --> 00:10:11,167 Bootleg cigarettes? 281 00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:12,434 Fake ID? Eight tracks? 282 00:10:12,467 --> 00:10:14,033 Why are you even here? 283 00:10:14,067 --> 00:10:16,167 I'm here because I'm concerned about your welfare. 284 00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:19,434 All this fancy book-learning is setting you kids up for a sucker punch. 285 00:10:19,467 --> 00:10:21,334 What happens when you finally hit the mean streets 286 00:10:21,367 --> 00:10:24,067 with your diplomas and find out the only jobs available 287 00:10:24,100 --> 00:10:26,067 involve dressing up in frightening plastic clown heads 288 00:10:26,100 --> 00:10:28,334 taking burger orders at a local drive-through? 289 00:10:28,367 --> 00:10:29,801 So, you got a better idea? 290 00:10:29,834 --> 00:10:33,367 I just might. I want you kids to follow the simple principles 291 00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:35,000 that made this country great. 292 00:10:35,033 --> 00:10:36,667 Why did the founding fathers fight for their independence 293 00:10:36,701 --> 00:10:38,133 as soon as taxes got too high? 294 00:10:38,167 --> 00:10:40,334 Why did we force the Indians onto worthless tracts of land, 295 00:10:40,367 --> 00:10:41,501 only to kick them off onto 296 00:10:41,534 --> 00:10:42,901 even more worthless tracts of land 297 00:10:42,934 --> 00:10:44,901 as soon as the first drop of crude oil was discovered? 298 00:10:44,934 --> 00:10:46,968 And why did our own government trade arms 299 00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:49,267 for hostages for narcotics for hostages for arms 300 00:10:49,300 --> 00:10:50,601 with the very same drug cartels 301 00:10:50,634 --> 00:10:52,000 they're supposed to be fighting? 302 00:10:52,033 --> 00:10:53,767 Anyone? Skunk! 303 00:10:53,801 --> 00:10:55,300 Because the American system 304 00:10:55,334 --> 00:10:57,434 may be bad, but it's the best we have? 305 00:10:57,467 --> 00:10:59,501 Quaint notion, but wrong! 306 00:10:59,534 --> 00:11:01,534 Because we're keeping the world safe 307 00:11:01,567 --> 00:11:02,767 for freely elected... 308 00:11:02,801 --> 00:11:04,267 Blah-blah-blah, whatever you said. 309 00:11:04,300 --> 00:11:06,000 Damn it, kids! Quit thinking rationally 310 00:11:06,033 --> 00:11:07,167 and open your eyes. 311 00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:09,868 I've got to make you kids understand. 312 00:11:09,901 --> 00:11:10,868 (heavy sigh) 313 00:11:10,901 --> 00:11:12,801 Are you saying that the big guns 314 00:11:12,834 --> 00:11:15,334 go where the big money sends them, 315 00:11:15,367 --> 00:11:17,934 and that afterwards, the dudes that win these wars 316 00:11:17,968 --> 00:11:20,100 get to write the cleaned-up history 317 00:11:20,133 --> 00:11:21,834 we read in these textbooks? 318 00:11:21,868 --> 00:11:22,834 (bell dings) 319 00:11:22,868 --> 00:11:24,501 Actually, I thought 320 00:11:24,534 --> 00:11:26,067 it had something to do with defective breast implants, 321 00:11:26,100 --> 00:11:27,434 but your answer's good, too. 322 00:11:27,467 --> 00:11:30,968 People, take out your textbooks and turn to chapter one... 323 00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:32,534 and tear out those pages. 324 00:11:32,567 --> 00:11:34,133 Tear out the confusing squiggly marks 325 00:11:34,167 --> 00:11:35,133 that cover those pages. 326 00:11:35,167 --> 00:11:36,300 Free your minds! 327 00:11:36,334 --> 00:11:38,767 Your butts should follow. 328 00:11:44,234 --> 00:11:48,767 Kids, you've taken your first steps into a much smaller world, 329 00:11:48,801 --> 00:11:50,767 but there's still so much you need to know. 330 00:11:50,801 --> 00:11:52,601 Hence, I forged your parents' signatures 331 00:11:52,634 --> 00:11:53,767 on some permission slips 332 00:11:53,801 --> 00:11:55,100 so that a few of my most remedial students 333 00:11:55,133 --> 00:11:56,434 can hit the town for a little 334 00:11:56,467 --> 00:11:59,634 down-and-dirty, real-life experience. 335 00:11:59,667 --> 00:12:02,133 You're in my classroom now. 336 00:12:05,501 --> 00:12:06,434 (snaps fingers) 337 00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:14,868 (background crowd noise) 338 00:13:05,334 --> 00:13:07,267 (crickets chirping) 339 00:13:10,901 --> 00:13:13,801 I had a really great time today, Mr. Duckman. 340 00:13:13,834 --> 00:13:15,834 The rewards are all mine, kids. 341 00:13:15,868 --> 00:13:17,934 But we lost a lot of time today. 342 00:13:17,968 --> 00:13:19,267 We were supposed to be studying 343 00:13:19,300 --> 00:13:21,100 for the college boards next week. 344 00:13:21,133 --> 00:13:22,100 That's right. 345 00:13:22,133 --> 00:13:23,467 We'll have to make it up 346 00:13:23,501 --> 00:13:25,100 with some serious cram time. 347 00:13:25,133 --> 00:13:26,200 Damn it! 348 00:13:26,234 --> 00:13:28,100 Haven't you kids learned anything? 349 00:13:28,133 --> 00:13:29,434 Studying is for suckers. 350 00:13:29,467 --> 00:13:31,634 How the hell are we supposed to pass the test 351 00:13:31,667 --> 00:13:32,801 if we don't study? 352 00:13:32,834 --> 00:13:35,334 The old-fashioned American way. 353 00:13:42,434 --> 00:13:45,133 (whispering): Duckman, I found the answer sheet. 354 00:13:45,167 --> 00:13:47,767 Yes! We're going to Disney World. 355 00:13:47,801 --> 00:13:49,667 (loud crashing) 356 00:13:51,734 --> 00:13:53,267 (alarm blaring) 357 00:13:53,300 --> 00:13:54,667 Let's get out of here. 358 00:13:54,701 --> 00:13:56,334 Gangway! 359 00:13:56,367 --> 00:13:57,501 Whoa! 360 00:13:57,534 --> 00:13:58,934 (body thuds, Duckman groans) 361 00:13:58,968 --> 00:14:01,934 LUIS: Mr. Duckman, throw the rope up. 362 00:14:01,968 --> 00:14:04,734 Sorry, son, that would cost me valuable seconds of escape time. 363 00:14:04,767 --> 00:14:07,367 Think of this as your final lesson. 364 00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:08,901 And remember, when you arrive in prison, 365 00:14:08,934 --> 00:14:11,801 attach yourself to the biggest, most dangerous con you can find. 366 00:14:11,834 --> 00:14:13,634 You don't want to end up as just anyone's bitch. 367 00:14:13,667 --> 00:14:14,834 Hasta luego. 368 00:14:16,300 --> 00:14:19,033 (guns cocking) 369 00:14:23,167 --> 00:14:24,133 (squeaking) 370 00:14:28,267 --> 00:14:30,133 GUARD: One-two-seven on the gate. 371 00:14:32,701 --> 00:14:36,567 This school takes detention very seriously. 372 00:14:36,601 --> 00:14:40,501 Wow! You're Cornfed, Peru's legendary forward! 373 00:14:40,534 --> 00:14:43,367 You powered that team to three World Cups. 374 00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:46,100 Four World Cups, but then the hamstring went. 375 00:14:46,133 --> 00:14:48,367 Now I mainly work as Duckman's partner. 376 00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:50,300 He sent me to get you out of here 377 00:14:50,334 --> 00:14:52,133 and to assure you that he will do anything-- 378 00:14:52,167 --> 00:14:53,734 anything at all-- to clear you. 379 00:14:53,767 --> 00:14:55,167 He'll admit the break-in 380 00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:56,267 was all his idea? 381 00:15:04,634 --> 00:15:05,934 Some good news: 382 00:15:05,968 --> 00:15:08,100 I met with the vice-principal, Dr. Aconian, 383 00:15:08,133 --> 00:15:10,133 and he agreed to release you until the hearing. 384 00:15:10,167 --> 00:15:12,968 Unless Duckman confesses, that's all I can do. 385 00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:15,467 Man, that duck is one big rat. 386 00:15:15,501 --> 00:15:19,300 No one da'st blame this man. No one. 387 00:15:19,334 --> 00:15:20,901 He's... complex. 388 00:15:20,934 --> 00:15:23,634 It's hard for him to separate his craven, cowardly side 389 00:15:23,667 --> 00:15:25,734 from his disloyal, selfish side. 390 00:15:25,767 --> 00:15:29,000 Hmm. If that's true, I may have a plan. 391 00:15:33,801 --> 00:15:35,400 DUCKMAN: Cornfed, come in. 392 00:15:35,434 --> 00:15:36,534 Quickly. 393 00:15:38,100 --> 00:15:39,868 Well, did you...? 394 00:15:39,901 --> 00:15:41,467 They're in a lot of trouble. 395 00:15:41,501 --> 00:15:42,901 Well, that's bad-- of course, 396 00:15:42,934 --> 00:15:44,467 that-that kind of trouble's just the worst possible-- 397 00:15:44,501 --> 00:15:46,133 but they, uh, they made their own bed. 398 00:15:46,167 --> 00:15:47,167 I had no idea they... 399 00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:48,501 But they say you knew-- 400 00:15:48,534 --> 00:15:50,367 you knew because you planned it. 401 00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:53,400 Well, that's, uh, no, no, no, I never knew, I couldn't know. 402 00:15:53,434 --> 00:15:56,400 That would be wrong, against school rules, it's just... 403 00:15:56,434 --> 00:15:57,801 We know you didn't know, 404 00:15:57,834 --> 00:15:59,834 but they're liable to say you did 405 00:15:59,868 --> 00:16:02,000 to make... accusations. 406 00:16:02,033 --> 00:16:03,033 And that's just it-- 407 00:16:03,067 --> 00:16:04,868 y-you know I did it, I know I did it, 408 00:16:04,901 --> 00:16:07,501 but that jerk Keaton doesn't know. No one knows. 409 00:16:07,534 --> 00:16:09,234 No one... could... 410 00:16:12,767 --> 00:16:15,501 ...know... they could... 411 00:16:20,501 --> 00:16:23,334 They look at you and see what they want to watch. 412 00:16:23,367 --> 00:16:26,100 They look at me and know it's the wrong channel. 413 00:16:29,701 --> 00:16:31,767 Pray with me, Cornfed. 414 00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:38,133 (crickets chirping) 415 00:16:42,567 --> 00:16:44,434 What would Lucas Tanner do? 416 00:16:44,467 --> 00:16:47,734 Or the White Shadow? Gabe Kaplan? 417 00:16:47,767 --> 00:16:50,868 Or Karen Valentine? Or, uh... uh... 418 00:16:50,901 --> 00:16:52,400 LUIS: Matt Waters? 419 00:16:52,434 --> 00:16:54,033 Montel? 420 00:16:54,067 --> 00:16:55,133 Who's there? 421 00:16:56,567 --> 00:16:57,801 Oh, you. 422 00:16:57,834 --> 00:16:59,234 You disagree with me, I suppose 423 00:16:59,267 --> 00:17:01,467 about the way thing... with the break-in. 424 00:17:01,501 --> 00:17:03,400 You mean the one you planned? 425 00:17:03,434 --> 00:17:05,000 The one you made us do? 426 00:17:05,033 --> 00:17:07,834 Well, yes, yes, I-I... planned it, yes. 427 00:17:07,868 --> 00:17:09,434 But they, they, you see, wouldn't understand. 428 00:17:09,467 --> 00:17:10,767 Hey, you know I did it, 429 00:17:10,801 --> 00:17:13,267 but that jerk Keaton doesn't know. No one knows. 430 00:17:13,300 --> 00:17:14,534 I can't confess. 431 00:17:14,567 --> 00:17:16,601 I just don't want to get in trouble 432 00:17:16,634 --> 00:17:18,400 unless it's trouble with honor. 433 00:17:18,434 --> 00:17:20,601 Sorry. 434 00:17:20,634 --> 00:17:23,334 God bless you all! 435 00:17:31,434 --> 00:17:34,234 ...Then, in the movie Living Dead 8, 436 00:17:34,267 --> 00:17:35,701 we, uh, learn that the government 437 00:17:35,734 --> 00:17:37,567 is infecting people with the zombie virus 438 00:17:37,601 --> 00:17:40,234 and turning them into flesh- eating special forces units, 439 00:17:40,267 --> 00:17:41,234 which... whoo! (gavel bangs) 440 00:17:41,267 --> 00:17:43,033 KEATON: Mr. Duckman, 441 00:17:43,067 --> 00:17:45,467 as President of the School Board, 442 00:17:45,501 --> 00:17:48,133 I can't tell you how pleased I am 443 00:17:48,167 --> 00:17:50,667 to be presiding over the termination 444 00:17:50,701 --> 00:17:52,400 of your community service. 445 00:17:52,434 --> 00:17:54,968 Before I send you back to my courtroom, 446 00:17:55,000 --> 00:17:58,767 and the criminal conviction you so richly, richly deserve, 447 00:17:58,801 --> 00:18:00,868 do you have any evidence 448 00:18:00,901 --> 00:18:04,634 that doesn't relate to some gory splatter flick? 449 00:18:04,667 --> 00:18:07,167 Only the example and guidance I've tried to provide 450 00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:08,968 for this great bunch of young people, Judge. 451 00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:10,367 Right, kids? 452 00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:12,367 DUCKMAN (on tape): You know I did it, I know I did it 453 00:18:12,400 --> 00:18:15,200 but that jerk Keaton doesn't know. No one knows. 454 00:18:15,234 --> 00:18:17,467 Is it too late to take another mulligan? 455 00:18:17,501 --> 00:18:19,934 Duckman, what you did to these kids 456 00:18:19,968 --> 00:18:21,801 was beyond reprehensible. 457 00:18:21,834 --> 00:18:22,934 You're a danger 458 00:18:22,968 --> 00:18:25,067 to the moral health of this entire community 459 00:18:25,100 --> 00:18:27,367 and as such, I... LUIS: Wait! 460 00:18:27,400 --> 00:18:28,734 Your Honor, may I speak? 461 00:18:28,767 --> 00:18:31,501 I object! Your Honor, this boy is underage, 462 00:18:31,534 --> 00:18:33,234 and hence, any testimony he gives 463 00:18:33,267 --> 00:18:34,767 about me cracking open a parking meter 464 00:18:34,801 --> 00:18:36,167 to give him change for a condom machine 465 00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:37,701 is completely inadmissible! 466 00:18:37,734 --> 00:18:40,501 I'll allow the testimony. 467 00:18:40,534 --> 00:18:41,968 Your Honor, everyone knows 468 00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:44,334 that Duckman is the lowest brand of scum. 469 00:18:44,367 --> 00:18:47,234 Objection! Not everyone knows that. 470 00:18:47,267 --> 00:18:48,734 Please interrupt again 471 00:18:48,767 --> 00:18:51,067 so I can have you bound and gagged. 472 00:18:52,534 --> 00:18:55,267 But Your Honor, who has Duckman actually harmed? 473 00:18:55,300 --> 00:18:56,267 Not us. 474 00:18:56,300 --> 00:18:58,501 In fact, no one else 475 00:18:58,534 --> 00:19:01,000 has ever helped us quite like Duckman. 476 00:19:01,033 --> 00:19:04,834 This man taught us to make the most of every opportunity 477 00:19:04,868 --> 00:19:06,734 to cover our butts at all costs 478 00:19:06,767 --> 00:19:09,868 and finally, to tape an incriminating conversation 479 00:19:09,901 --> 00:19:12,334 and use it to betray those dearest to us. 480 00:19:12,367 --> 00:19:14,601 He showed us how the educational system 481 00:19:14,634 --> 00:19:17,067 does little more than prepare its graduates 482 00:19:17,100 --> 00:19:20,067 to work the deep-fry station at a burger joint. 483 00:19:20,100 --> 00:19:22,033 But he did more than open our eyes 484 00:19:22,067 --> 00:19:24,734 to the uphill battle we have ahead of us. 485 00:19:24,767 --> 00:19:27,734 He taught us that no matter what horrors lie in store for us, 486 00:19:27,767 --> 00:19:30,734 we don't ever, ever want to be like him. 487 00:19:30,767 --> 00:19:33,434 Your Honor, Duckman taught us these things 488 00:19:33,467 --> 00:19:34,968 because he cared for us, 489 00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:37,133 and I say that if caring for kids is a crime, 490 00:19:37,167 --> 00:19:39,133 then pronounce Duckman guilty. 491 00:19:39,167 --> 00:19:40,901 But no matter what your decision, 492 00:19:40,934 --> 00:19:43,734 he'll always be a hero to us. 493 00:19:43,767 --> 00:19:45,367 STUDENT: Whoo-hoo! All right! 494 00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:47,200 STUDENT 2: Yes! All right! 495 00:19:47,234 --> 00:19:48,834 STUDENT 3: You said it! 496 00:19:48,868 --> 00:19:50,701 In light of the new evidence, 497 00:19:50,734 --> 00:19:54,534 I declare Duckman not guilty on all charges. 498 00:19:54,567 --> 00:19:56,934 (students cheering) 499 00:19:57,868 --> 00:19:59,467 (gavel banging) 500 00:19:59,501 --> 00:20:04,567 But to ensure that Duckman never sets foot near this school again 501 00:20:04,601 --> 00:20:05,734 I'm terminating 502 00:20:05,767 --> 00:20:08,234 the remainder of his community service 503 00:20:08,267 --> 00:20:09,434 and ordering him 504 00:20:09,467 --> 00:20:11,734 to maintain a distance of at least four Miles 505 00:20:11,767 --> 00:20:13,067 from all students. 506 00:20:13,100 --> 00:20:15,567 (students groan) 507 00:20:15,601 --> 00:20:17,934 Your Honor, I leave here with more than 508 00:20:17,968 --> 00:20:19,400 the hundreds of dollars in school supplies 509 00:20:19,434 --> 00:20:20,567 I've stuffed in my briefcase. 510 00:20:20,601 --> 00:20:21,901 I leave here 511 00:20:21,934 --> 00:20:24,367 with the love and respect of a great bunch of kids, 512 00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:25,767 and I promise them 513 00:20:25,801 --> 00:20:30,734 that the lessons they taught me will remain in my heart forever. 514 00:20:30,767 --> 00:20:32,000 God bless you all! 515 00:20:33,901 --> 00:20:36,300 Mr. Duckman? 516 00:20:55,234 --> 00:20:57,267 (car horns honking) 517 00:20:57,300 --> 00:21:00,434 (clapping) 518 00:21:00,467 --> 00:21:02,834 (clapping continues) 519 00:21:02,868 --> 00:21:05,067 Will you shut the hell up and go home?! 520 00:21:05,100 --> 00:21:06,334 I've called the cops! 521 00:21:06,367 --> 00:21:08,167 DUCKMAN: Friggin' hoodlums. 522 00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:09,400 (helicopter overhead) 523 00:21:09,434 --> 00:21:11,801 OFFICER: Please disperse. 524 00:21:11,834 --> 00:21:12,934 (all screaming) 525 00:21:17,033 --> 00:21:19,968 (music a la theme from Law and Order plays) 526 00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:08,000 DUCKMAN: Kill the puppets who drill your eyeballs 527 00:22:08,033 --> 00:22:09,234 with their little screw hats.